


and in another life, this wouldn't be the way we are.

by littlelooneyluna



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, First Kiss Anniversary, M/M, Sadness guys soz, Supportive exes, suicide talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 16:28:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12915741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: “It’s - it’s a special day.” He says, a ghost of a smile on his face which suddenly disappeared. “I kissed Aaron three whole years ago.”





	and in another life, this wouldn't be the way we are.

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't let the anniversary pass without subjecting everyone to canon related anniversary pain lbr.

_“I met you and you changed everything.”_

 

 

 

The wind is picking up and it’s probably going to rain any second now but Robert doesn’t care.

He’s practically frozen on the spot, won’t move until he wants to, but he’s in charge of that decision. He gets to be in control of that.

The stone is chipping on her grave and it makes something drop inside Robert’s chest. It’s like she’s being dragged even further away from him, like the memory he had is being destroyed in front of his very eyes.

“You’re probably wondering why I’m here.” He says, shuffles towards the headstone a little more and shudders at the cold air. He’s been sitting here since six in the morning, because he’d woken up and felt utterly miserable and alone for good reason.

Aaron wasn’t in his arms.

“It’s - it’s a special day.” He says, a ghost of a smile on his face which suddenly disappeared. “I kissed Aaron three whole years ago.”

I kissed him, I slept with him, I cared for him, I loved him, I had him, I lost him.

Over and over again, his mind screams at him.

Robert imagined this year, first year married, first year in their new home. He was planning on reliving the story, seeing how long it took Aaron to guess.

“And he changed everything didn’t he mum?” Just saying her name makes it suddenly hard to breathe, because he’s a little boy with a crush and his mum is listening tentatively and making out that it’s the best thing in the world for him.

“He made me the happiest I have _ever_ ever been.”

The wind hits his chest, ripples through him and he bows his head.

“And I lost him.” He says, turns towards his father’s grave. “He must hate me, but you don’t do ya? You understand me.”

Robert brings his knees up towards his chest and sighs. “He doesn’t understand me anymore.” And it guts him. “He doesn’t even know what today means.”

Somehow he manages to drift off into this heavy sleep and when he wakes again, someone is pushing at his shoulder.

“Mum?” He says drowsily, gets a squeeze on the shoulder again and realises that it’s Vic.

Of course it’s Vic.

  
::

  
She takes him back to hers, keeps banging on about how cold he is in the middle of the street.

“He was freezing himself to death!” She exaggerates as Adam looks at him as if he cares. His face is frowning, filled with a unassuming gentleness that Robert doesn’t want nor deserve.

“You alright?” Adam’s asking and Robert raises his head and sees the worst possible thing.

Aaron’s walking with him, with the doctor. They’re coming out of the cafe and waving goodbye to Liv as she gets the bus to school.

He’s smiling, he’s jumping up and down a bit because of the cold but -

He’s smiling.

For a second, Aaron turns towards them all standing so close and he smiles before he clears his throat and motions to Alex that they should get back inside.

Robert bites at his lip hard and walks into the cottage, thinks of Aaron kissing him, over and over again and hates himself.

  
::

  
He wasn’t messing Aaron around then.

He just wanted him, that was it.

He wanted him and he wasn’t alone in the feeling.

Aaron wanted to fuck him in that van.  
It makes Robert smirk a little as he curls up in bed.

 

::

 

It’s probably about three when he thinks about getting up again. He’s wasted the day mopping in bed over an anniversary which means fuck all to him anymore.

So he’s getting himself together.

Only,

He hears the door being clicked open and Adam and Aaron pile in, huffing and grunting because they always make out like they wrestle lions whenever they’ve come back from the scrapyard.

He hears them talking about nothing and something and then nothing again and then he hears his name.

“Yeah, Vic said he was just by the grave. His mum’s.” Adam says, so loud, so fucking booming that it nearly vibrates the carpet in Robert’s room.

“It’s not her anniversary.” Aaron says, quieter, like he’s deep in thought and then Adam’s asking him if it has anything to do with them and -

Apparently Aaron doesn’t have a clue.

It’s weird, how one thing can make all the other things hurt a million times more.

But the fact that Aaron hasn’t got a clue or is trying to deny it ever happened, makes Robert crumble.

And soon he’s flying out the door and hearing Adam call for him to stop.

  
::

  
He’s a nutter. That’s why he’s sitting in his car, engine running and eyes straight ahead.

No one was there, at the layby and it felt oddly comforting for him to know that no one else in the world knew how special the spot really was.

His eyes flicker a little as he thinks about how mad he sounds, how three years ago he had a dream about the surly mechanic and honestly, truly, thought that a fumble at a layby would be enough to satisfy the need. He’d been a fool, he’d been absolutely mad to think that when he pulled away it would be the last time he’d ever be so close to Aaron again.

The sound of phone vibrating on the seat next to him makes something swell inside his chest and he’s thinking about how lonely he is despite the sound raging on.

It’s Vic, he says, she wants him to go to the doctors and check himself out. She thinks he’s going mad and he probably is because Aaron’s better now and he isn’t.

Aaron gets to be better, gets the doctor and the house and the sister who doesn’t think he’s a liability and -

He’ll stay where he is, he’ll be here until the sun sets and the day isn’t his and Aaron’s anymore and he looks even more like just some random who’s got a dodgy tyre and has to park on the side of the road.

Only, he doesn’t get the chance.

His phone keeps vibrating and it’s incessant, won’t give in despite how loud Robert plays the radio.

And then there’s this palm at the window and a ragged breath and Aaron’s standing there with his tears in his eyes.

It’s raining, Robert realises and Aaron’s telling him to open the door. 

He doesn’t understand, can’t comprehend the nature of Aaron’s panic and suddenly doesn’t want to.

But he opens the door, watches Aaron almost jump into the passenger seat and flick off the engine.

It startles Robert, makes his heart jump and then Aaron’s breath is returning back to normal.

There’s water falling from the curls of his hair and he looks like someone’s just told him that someone’s died and -

Oh.

“Vic was hysterical.” Robert hears Aaron say, shaking as he speaks. “She - she didn’t know where you’d gone and - she thought you’d given up.”

Because yeah, he’s been feeling nothing for a long while and she somehow picked up on it.

“She thought you’d -”

And Robert realises that ‘she’ is in replacement of 'I’ and it explains the state of the younger man.

“You thought I’d tried to top myself?” Robert says, blurts it out and watches Aaron wince.

For the longest time Aaron doesn’t say anything, he’s just sitting there with his head in his hands and trying not to cry and then he shrugs.

“It’s how I tried.” And Robert’s heard the stories, faces pressed against chests, tears falling over cheeks, hands soft and loving as the dark pours in.

Robert doesn’t know what to say. “I wasn’t trying to do that.” He says, watches the rain trickle down the window. “I wouldn’t do that to Vic.” To _You_.

Aaron just stares at him and Robert’s eyes flicker. “What?” He’s asking.

“The way you’re speaking, it’s - it’s like you thought about it before and - decided against it.” Aaron shakes his head, and a hand falls over Robert’s.

“Rob.” He says and then his phone is ringing.

And Robert looks.

It makes him hurt, everywhere.

“You should get that.” Robert tells him. “I’m fine. Just wanted to be alone.”

Alone, it’s the last thing he wants to be.

“You hate being alone.” Aaron says, tears in his eyes.

“Maybe before.” Robert bites his lip, “But it’s okay now.”

“It’s not.” Aaron snaps, and Robert just stares at him and blinks slowly. “You have to look after yourself.”

“How did you know where to find me?” He says, and Aaron’s whole face softens stubbornly. Almost like he can’t help it.

“Where else would you be today?” Aaron says, and Robert thinks he could catch the tear that falls down his face if he wants to.

He relents.

Because at least Aaron knows.

He knows what today is.

“You remembered?” And his voice cracks embarrassingly.

Aaron nods, nose crinkled. “I couldn’t forget it even if I wanted to.” He says, shaking his head and then he’s leaning against the chair and Robert can see him reminiscing.

“Your hair was longer then.” Aaron says, smiles. “I liked it like that.”

Robert doesn’t say anything, just stares at Aaron. “You don’t have to do this.” Be here, be _nice_.

“ - and you had that leather jacket on.”

Aaron laughs, like he’s ignoring Robert’s words. “I remember.” He whispers. Robert sighs heavily, gives into the game. “You would have fucked me in Cain’s van. I remember that.” He says and for just a second, it’s easy.

Aaron blushes and then rolls his eyes.

“Didn’t have to though did I? Someone did all the running.”

And Robert’s eyes flicker at the memory of going to the garage and feeling so grateful that Aaron hadn’t left yet.

He was a prick for not knowing that it all was this massive sign.

This 'You’re going to be fall in love with him you know?’ sign.

“And I’d do it all again.” It slips out and Aaron’s face falls a little. “Sorry.” Robert tries to clamber it all back and fails.

“It’s okay.” Aaron says and Robert tells him it isn’t, he says he should go, be happy, he with Alex and it sounds bitter on his tongue but he doesn’t mind the taste of it if it makes Aaron happier. “ _Rob_.” He says, irritated all of a sudden and Robert notices how close they are, how Aaron’s got his hands on his jacket and is tugging hard.

It makes Robert’s mouth fall open.

“I hate when you’re like this.” Aaron hisses, looks so sorry and Robert doesn’t know what to say.

“I’d do it all again.” Robert says, more confident this time and Aaron is still just as close. “Because I got you in the end, I _had_ you.” He says and it’s all too much, makes him push out the car and then -

Strong hands pull him back and then he’s turning around and Aaron’s kissing him.

He’s kissing him for the first time in months and months and months and -

Robert can’t help but kiss him back in the comfort of his car and the rain falling and in their spot three whole years later. It’s a soft rare bliss.

The guilt is smeared across Aaron’s face instantly and Robert just has to accept it doesn’t he?

“We shouldn’t have done that.” Aaron whispers, lips still against Robert’s and he won’t make him feel guilty for any of it.

Robert just nods and then Aaron’s pulling him into this crushing hug and it makes Robert wince.

“It’ll always be too _much_ with you.” Aaron says and Robert gets it, too much love, too much desire, too much -

And Robert watches him get out of the car slowly, “Happy anniversary then.” He says, pictures what it could have been like and Aaron looks at him like he’s doing the exact same thing.

“Happy anniversary.” Aaron looks like he’s being gutted or something and

Robert’s eyes water. “Please look after yourself.” Aaron pleads and Robert can’t look at him, just nods and agrees for Aaron’s sake more than anything else.

And then he drives away alone, just like he did that day, watches Aaron stand there as he revs and he’s back to trying to forget the feeling Aaron’s lips on his.

Knows that he won’t ever be able to.

 


End file.
